How to Turn Back Time
by emerald-nellie
Summary: Snape wants another chance at redeeming himself.


How To Turn Back Time 

A mere passer by wouldn't have been able to tell, but he could. He knew that body as well as he did his own, if not more so. Even from such a distance, he would have been able to clearly distinguish a single blemish on her perfect porcelain skin. He considered her belly that was ever so slightly bigger than it should have been and suspected the baby to be due sometime next summer: July or August maybe.

He watched her as she sat peacefully on the park bench and sighed with content, a soft breeze ruffling her dazzling red hair.

A tall man with raven black hair and a handsome face obscured his view momentarily before sitting down next to the smiling Lily Evans, wrapping his arm tightly around her shoulder and sheltering her from the wind. She was, however, no longer Lily Evans. He knew this, of course, even despite her not telling him. Instead, he had found out the worst way possible: overhearing a casual conversation between two of his colleagues.

He just couldn't bring himself to call her Lily Potter. Somewhere deep inside the vaults of his heart, he knew that by naming her as a Potter was losing her even more. He felt desperate to cling onto what he had left of her, like a thirsty man clings to the water in his hands. But like water cupped in the palm, it seemed everything he had left of her was slowly but surly tricking away into nothing.

James Potter ran his free hand through his already messy hair before tracing small circles, gently, on Lily's stomach. She smiled lovingly up at him, their eyes locked together. He moved his hand up to her cheek and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He chuckled softly, marvelling at her beauty. She took his hand in her own before leaning in and kissing him tenderly on the lips.

"I love you more than anyone else in the world, James Potter," she whispered into his ear.

Now standing barely three feet in front of the couple, concealed beneath the folds of his invisibility cloak, their superfluous company heard every word. They pierced his heart like a million sharp knives with murderous intent. Potter's laugh echoed hollowly in his ears. He staggered backwards a couple of feet and after regaining his composure, he ran. He wasn't sure where he was running, all he knew was that he had to get away; get far away from where he was.

That night, back at home in his cold and empty house, he cried. Tears flowed freely down his face, dampening his pillow until he had none left, at which time he fell asleep: completely worn out and exhausted. That night, as rain pounded down on the roof, he tossed and turned.

The same dream had haunted his sleep for weeks. It was that which had inspired him to make the trip to Godric's Hollow, to see her again with his own eyes.

He rolled onto his back, his brow perspiring.

He was sixteen years old again. He was in his second last year of Hogwarts and it was a bright sunny day. Everyone was outside. He ran after Lily, laughing, as they headed down to the lake. Picking a spot under their favourite tree, she sat down on the ground and they both continued to laugh, just enjoying each other's company.

_He loved it when she laughed. Her almond-shaped emerald green eyes sparkled and danced magically. Looking into those two exquisitely beautiful crystal balls often made his heart skip a beat. He could lose himself in them for minutes at a time, unbeknownst to their owner. _

_Their laughed subsided and they were silent for a moment. _

"_What do you see in him, Lily?" he asked, adopting a more serious tone. _

"_See in whom exactly?" She had a questioning expression on her face._

"_Don't pretend that you don't know I'm talking about Potter," he said in a slightly more aggressive tone than was necessary, before continuing in a softer one. "I've seen the way you look at him and the way you act when you're around him."_

_She was about to protest, but he kept talking before words could escape her lips._

"_He's an idiot, Lily. He doesn't deserve a girl like you. You are so smart and caring and," his head dropped and he seemed to become very interested in his shoelaces for a moment, "so beautiful, Lily. You are too good for him."_

_When he looked up at her, he thought he saw the dawning of comprehension flicker across her face. _

_He shifted his body so that he was closer to her. _

"_I care about you, Lily," he said in almost a whisper. He looked into her eyes, feeling the fluttery sensation in his stomach, like he always did._

_He stroked her hair and lifted her chin up towards him, but at that moment she pulled away. _

"_He's not as bad as you think. A little bit arrogant, yes, but he has a kind heart, which is more than I can say about _your_ friends."_

"_But that's the thing," he said, almost in a whine, "He isn't your friend! He loves you, Lily, and I know that you know that."_

_Lily sighed, "We are friends. That's all. Please don't worry about me; I know how to look after myself." _

From behind him, he heard a familiar laugh; the laugh that always chilled him to the bone.

"_Well, well, well. If it isn't Snivellus Snape," said James Potter as he approached, followed by his horrendous friends that called themselves The Marauders. "And how are you, Evans?"_

_Lily got up to face James and said, "I am well, thank you, but Severus and I were trying to have a conversation. I'll talk to you later." _

"_Why would you want to talk to him?" Sirius Black asked, seemingly bemused. _

"_One second, Evans. That's all, I promise." He said, giving her a look that she couldn't resist._

"_Alright, fine," she gave in and turned around, "Sev, I'll just be a second."_

_He simply nodded. Inside, his blood was at boiling point. He couldn't bear to see Potter talking to Lily. He hated the fact that he flirted with her so obviously, and, even more, he hated the fact that she flirted back. The only consolation he had at that moment was that they were only talking about homework. He looked down at his feet and tried not to look too interested and draw anymore unwanted attention to himself. His eyes glanced up at the two just in time to see Potter wrap his arms around Lily's waist, and her peck him on the cheek._

_As quick as a flash, he was on his feet with his wand pointed at James. But Black was too quick for him and hit him square in the chest with a spell that dragged him high into the air and let him hang there upside down. _

_His chest ached more than it ever had in his entire life, and not because of the jinx that had hit him. He felt as if Potter had just ripped his heart right out and fed it to the Giant Squid._

_Lily screamed at Black, "Let him down, you monster! Let him down RIGHT NOW!"_

_She hit his right arm and his wand dropped to the ground._

_Anger burned inside Severus as he fell in a heap. A single tear escaped his eye._

"_Stay out of this you stupid Mudblood. I don't need your help," he hissed at Lily, even surprising himself. But as soon as the word had escaped his lips, he had regretted it._

He would never forget the look on her face. He had hurt her and he knew it. Even though he couldn't see his own face, he was sure it mirrored hers.

Severus woke up panting. It was dark outside and it was still raining hard. He rolled over and tried to get back to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Lily's face, contorted with the pain and anguish that he had caused her. Every night, replayed in his head over and over again, was his last encounter with Lily Evans. After that, she had stopped conversing with him. Oh, he had tried to talk to her; to apologize. But the damage was done.

More than anything in the world, he wished that he could undo what he did. The memory still haunted him after all these years.

He sighed and rolled over in his bed. He longed to feel her eyes lie upon his face, feel the touch of her skin beneath his fingertips.

He constantly wondered what might have come of both their lives if he had never made such a fateful mistake. His life was a wreck and it was all because of something he had done when he was sixteen years old; a slip that he would regret for the rest of his life.

He had expected to feel somehow complete, going to see her again. Closure was what they called it. But it had rather the opposite effect. Seeing her in James Potter's arms had reopened the wounds he had tried to heal all these years. Tried, and failed dismally.

If he could have one thing in the world, he would turn back time. He would go back to his time at Hogwarts and change things, make sure that he didn't just let her go. But, alas, he knew that it wasn't possible; magic had not yet progressed that far.

"I just want to make things better," he wailed into the empty darkness. The only response he got was the clapping of thunder above his head.

"How do I right the wrongs I have made? I need to put things right, but I don't know how. I am so lost."

He lay back down on his bed and fell into another restless sleep.

It had been eighteen months since he had made the trek to Godric's Hollow to see her, and still Lily Evans haunted his dreams. But this wasn't her; this wasn't even human. A subhuman figure stood in front of Severus, its body broken and decayed. It had no distinctive features except for one: its eyes. It had Lily's eyes.

"_Severus, why did you do this to me?" it asked him, its voice hoarse and rough. "Look what I have become! And it's all because of you. Why did you do this? I thought you cared about me."_

"_G-get away from me! Leave me alone!" he said, stumbling back a few feet. _

"_I can't. I will always be with you; I'll always be a part of you. There is nothing you can do about it."_

"_Why?" he whispered desperately._

"_Because you love me," it hissed, the words ringing in his ears. Silence lay thick in the air and the minutes passes into what felt like hours. Finally, he could bare it no longer and yelled into the darkness that was engulfing him. _

"_How can I make this stop? I want it all to just stop! What can I do?"_

_When it replied, its voice was no longer harsh and croaky, but soft and gentle. Before it disappeared into the night, Lily Evans' voice whispered three words._

"_Save me, Severus."_

He woke up in a sweat. It took him a few seconds to remember what he had dreamed about. But the images came flooding back into him, like a waterfall of memories, and he let out a groan.

_Save me, Severus_. What did it mean? Where these words merely the ramblings of a deranged mind? Or could they mean something else? Was Lily in some kind of trouble?

Getting up, he decided not to make yet another mistake he may later come to regret. He quickly pulled his travelling cloak around his shoulders and did a turn on the spot, apparating to Godric's Hollow.

Standing out the front of Lily and James' house, a terrible scene met his eyes. Their front door had been blasted away; their yard trampled.

He ran up the garden path and through the empty doorway. Seeing the body of James Potter lying motionless on the floor, he stumbled back into the wall.

"No… no," he muttered as he began to climb the stairs.

He reached the second level and a bright green light momentarily blinded him. It was accompanied by a high-pitched scream.

"No," he muttered again, "No, not Lily."

He staggered towards the source of the light: a room at the end of a short corridor. He reached the door and cautiously stepped over the threshold. A man, hooded and cloaked in black, stood above the dead body of a young woman.

Quickly and in a single swift movement, Lord Voldemort raised his wand and pointed it at the sleeping form of a baby that lay in a crib by the wall. He muttered a spell and the same green light poured from the tip of his wand. At that moment, Severus stepped out of the shadows, his wand raised.

"You will not harm the child of Lily Evans!" he yelled, sending a simple shielding charm between the sleeping baby and the spell being sent at it.

The curse hit the shield and rebounded upon its sender. An explosion of green light filled the room and Severus raised his arms to cover his eyes. When he opened them again, the Dark Lord was gone and the baby was sitting up in its cot, crying. The simple shielding spell had saved its life, but it hadn't blocked out the entire impact of the curse and a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt was left on the child's head. A scar he would carry for the rest of his life.

But he didn't care about the boy.

In that moment, time stopped for Severus Snape. He dropped to his hands and knees and cradled Lily Evans in his arms.

"Lily. Dear, sweet Lily," he whispered, holding her body close against his own. "How can I save you? You told me to save you. How can I?"

Tears started to roll down his face, staining his cheeks with their salty residue.

"You already have."

Even to his very last day, Severus wasn't sure whether he had heard those final words, or imagined them. But he knew one thing for sure. He knew that his love for Lily had summoned him to Godric's Hollow that night; brought him there to save the son that she loved so dearly.

For his entire life, he carried with him the knowledge that he saved the girl he loved. It took him some time to realise it, but eventually he understood that she lived on inside her son. The same blood flows through his veins as hers and by saving his life, he was really saving hers.

He also realised that he had made things right, and that he no longer needed to turn back time. He had as good as done that already, a feat that no man before him had achieved. He had redeemed himself in the light of Lily Evans, even though it had cost him dearly.

For a part of him died that night, along with the girl that he loved. The part where emotions dwell and dreams reside; where fears breed and passion burns.

That night his inner flame flickered out: Severus Snape died inside. As he stared into her eyes, those magical eyes, he would have been happy to die altogether. But he didn't. His physical being lived on.

He was kept on the Earth to keep safe her son, and he knew he must. He owed it to her.

But it tortured him. It tormented him to look at her son: to see Lily Evans' eyes on James Potter's face. To see something one loves, embedded in something one hates creates severe turmoil and conflict within the walls of the heart.

But he knew that it was something that had to be done and so he stuck with the fragile task that Lily had left him until the day his life ended.

_As he lay on the dusty rug, the floorboards groaning under his weight, he could feel the life ebbing out of him; this time for good._

"_Look at me," he whispered, grabbing onto the boy's robes._ _The child turned and focused his attention onto the dying man before him, looking into his eyes._

Finally, after seventeen years, came the last time that Severus Snape died. It was the same as the first time, the only way he would have enough courage to leave the world behind, staring into Lily Evans' almond-shaped, emerald green eyes.


End file.
